ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
