Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
