When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
