Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
