I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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