Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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