Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
