She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
