And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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