nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
