Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Randomize
