the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
