Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
