If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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