While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
