Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
