i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
