I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
