I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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