I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
