woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
