Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
