this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
