is your mom at the bar?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
