How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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