How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
