We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
