every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
