Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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