i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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