chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
