i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
