Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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