I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
