I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
