In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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