found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
