ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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