There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
