Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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