dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
