Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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