you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
