I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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