I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
