I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
wat bout pragnant strippers??
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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