words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
