if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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