she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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