if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
wanna go halves on a baby?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
