her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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