Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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