I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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