Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
