Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
