He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
